Category Archives: Too Personal

My last Dinner with a Friend

My Last Dinner with my Friend

No matter how much I struggle while writing this blog, it does not compare to my friend’s struggles. In the past few weeks our family dog of almost 14 years has gone through a transformation of a vibrant family member to struggling in just walking. Our usual Sunday family dinners were somber tonight. This was our last with our family member. She doesn’t eat and struggles to walk across the room. Tomorrow we will be saying good bye to her in person but in our hearts she has changed our lives.

Thirteen years ago I remember vividly … I came home from work and headed to our parents place. As I stood in the kitchen, in came my little 12 year old brother with a big smile. Following him my parents smiles lit up the room as in my dad’s arms was an adorable little german shepherd puppy. My little brother and I spent the whole night playing with our new family member and coming up with names. I was an adult and he was a little boy but we both were little kids chasing this puppy we named Whisper.

She brought the family together as our first pet and her spirit was quite infectious. One morning she knocked over a dozen eggs and pooped yellow for days. Thanksgiving she made her self comfortable in the kitchen finishing up our turkey dinner. She never was mistreated but loved. Even during mischievous times her eyes made it impossible to be angry.

Eventually my brother and I taught her to play goalie during our hockey games in the backyard. She loved it so much that upon hearing the word “hockey” she would bolt to the back door waiting for another pick-up game. Our games were wild as all three kids … me at 29, my brother at 14 and whisper at 2 would run in the house muddy and bloody from another game in the back. The hockey sticks and tennis balls are still sitting on the wall outside my place.

Whisper never was a mean animal often playing with my cat and eventually our new little maltese. The last two years she has been amazing with my niece, letting the baby sit on her, pull her ears and pretty much use her as a punching bag. Whisper would just smile and lay back. My niece named her “foo foo”.

Whisper learned the difference in our dad’s shoes. Sandals went on and she ran to the back for backyard fun, regular shoes mean front door and walk around the block. Smart animal and a great friend.

A few years back I went through a bad time with depression and my friend sat by me on every visit to my folks. No one knew what was happening on the inside but she did and she made sure I had comfort in someone. No words, just a friend sitting next to me at every opportunity. Licking my face and hands and nudging me in fun. Seeing her tonight emotionally kills me because as she was there for me I can only be there for her in mild ways. The last few days I try to sit by her and scratch her favorite spots. She doesn’t make eye contact any more. And won’t let me take any pictures.

For tonight’s dinner our dad didn’t yell at us when we fed her off the table in fact he joined in. Him and her are best friends and she hasn’t left his side in 13 years. Until tomorrow. Our dad is one of those tough guys with no emotion but I can’t imagine what he is going through right now on his final walk with her as I write this blog. I snuck in to hang out with her and walked in on my parents about to take her for her final walk. Due to the redness in my eyes our dad asked me if I was sleeping, I nodded in agreement but we both knew better.  Whisper was standing by the front door and stumbled outside almost falling. This week her kidneys and back legs gave out. But tomorrow it will all go away.

I have spent too much time working and missed a lot of opportunity to spend time with her. And I’m sad for it. She doesn’t cry just moans when she moves and now she bleeds. To see such a wonderful creature struggle is sad beyond control. My night tonight will be spent laying next her. I want to make sure she understands that what we gave her doesn’t compare to what she gave us.

The last few days I kept busy working but haven’t stopped thinking about her since seeing her struggle so badly last week and on our conclusion to finalize it this Monday. I worked every day, shot and edited but limited my communication with people. I did not sleep. Only napping when my body needed it. But tonight I couldn’t push it all away. After our shoot my drive to dinner was very emotional as I tried to compose myself before arriving. Now as the final night falls for my friend the emotions are greater. My struggles do not compare to her’s, I can’t imagine what she is going through. Tomorrow my friend will be loved and spoiled with burgers and treats and hugs and kisses.

Then at 5pm we take her to the doctor for our final good byes.  Having a family pet was a new experience for us all and it brought us so close together. Now we are going through the sad part of saying good bye.  And again this week has brought us even closer together. Whisper upon her arrival in our lives changed us for the better and now as she leaves us, she will change us again in a meaningful way. For that I have to say thank you and I love you my friend.

My emotional lesson

This morning I ventured into my old hood of the Fairfax District. Brooke Banner was doing a photo shoot for T.I.T.S. new clothing line.  I was a few minutes behind the schedule as this has been the usual m.o. for me.  Upon parking my truck, I quickly made my way to the parking meter.  While trying to navigate through the new credit card metering, an elderly lady approached me.  She looked European with a thick accent.  She had a rolling cart to her side and a sad confused looked.  Her English was choppy as her accent slurred the words to almost non-transcribable state. Nerves and frustration of her lack of communication seemed to way heavy on her as her voice quivered from word to word.

She was on the North 500’s block but needed to get to the South 500’s block. She kept mentioning these numbers as I tried to slow her down in hopes of understanding her better. I tried explaining to her how she needs to make her way to the Zero’s of the street then the numbers she needs will come. Then she explains in her now understandable accent, that she was looking for the “Russian Translation Service”. I smiled and asked if she spoke Russian, she said “yes”. And I proceeded to tell her that I can speak it as well. Her saddened demeanor now was lit up with a smile of comfort of “one of her own”.

I told her point of destination was about two miles away. She thanked me and asked me to call this agency. I confirmed the address and location. Then offered the lady a ride. She was adamant that I didn’t need to spend my time driving her. But I insisted in my broke Russian.

Now sitting in the truck, driving to the location. This wonderful little lady made my day, made me think and made me choke up. I was so moved by her that I had to put my sunglasses on just to communicate with her.

The lady is 80 years old. Has been in the United States for 15 years and has been fighting with the Russian Social Services for her retirement the entire time.  And has been told “America is a rich country, let them give you money.”  Sad, very sad. She lives in Long Beach and was out in West Hollywood, about 25 miles away from her area of residence. I met her around 10:40am, she was dropped off by her nephew in this area at 6:20am. And she has been wondering through these blocks for over four hours.  Mind you this story is being told to me by a tired, 80 year old, emotional lady. I was so moved by her. She then says, “god brought me to her today.” I smiled because at this point, me talking was not an option.  She kept thanking me and saying how no one would stop and listen to her. All I imagined this person with no phone or real ability to communicate wondering the streets for god knows how long. In the heat. With her cart and emotions on her sleeve.

I helped her 0ut of my truck and walked to the building. She offered to pay me, for which I declined. Once she was inside, I called that office to confirm she arrived and was safe. Afterward I made my way to continue the rest of my day. Driving I didn’t snap at people lacking social skills, I didn’t freak out on people being rude to me. All I thought about how this lady approached me. How she felt I made her day, how “god intervened”, how I helped her and emotionally changed her mood, heart and well being. But what she doesn’t realize is that what happened today was not someone making a difference in her life BUT how she made a difference in mine. I wasn’t brought to her, she was brought to me. I am not a knight in shining armor, she was the angel who opened my eyes.

It’s not what we can do for others because of our youthfulness, monetary accomplishments or what we control. It’s how we can open someone’s eyes, emotions and hearts. This wonderful lady in her moment of weakness made an impact with her soul in my life.

Thank you for validating the goodness hidden in so many ways under our busy, sometimes self absorbed lives. And you did pay me, in more ways then you can imagine.

My story, my drama and the blog is back?!

I was going to post this blog back up. BUT cooler heads prevailed. We don’t need to act unprofessionally and keep up with internet drama. This person has bashed us publicly and has destroyed her reputation by being so unprofessional in her ways. Anyone is welcome to ask me about anything that occurred in this matter. I do not need to go public with private drama. I do not need to throw personal stones at people. In fact, I have received texts, calls, etc. from people who are embarrassed by this mess cause by this performer. And have resolved these issues and mass text lies by her. So if anyone is interested and has any questions about the blog or text threats to me by this person … I am more then happy to forward both in private. My email is

DELETE my memory from YOUR BRAIN …

Finally IVAN haaaas coooome back to his BLOG. As many who have read this for years know, my blog is personal without holding punches. The one thing I do is not give free PR to those who don’t really deserve it. My feeling is this … anytime you mention someone by name you only give them kudos or keep their name in other people’s minds. So I guess I should say thank you to the few who seem to love me so much they can’t express their love eeerrr dismay enough.

For instance, it seems life must be boring to some, enough that they would spend reading my tweets and blog EVEN THOUGH they hate my talents and way of thinking. Is it hate though or possibly jealousy regarding those two issues?  Think about it, no matter how hard you try to be open minded, your drama queen personality keeps in tune with everyone’s life you hate. Spending time reading their blogs only enough to blast them and their friends. Or even better being a director who just can’t seem to hone his skills enough to shoot good content where every single ex-employer cringes at the mere mention of your content shot for them in the past.

With all that said, why spend the time on me in mentioning how I am so this and that. Why do I need to be on set working ONLY to hear someone say, “hey why does _______ not like you?”  Huh? What? The only time I think of these folks is when I get that question. So I wonder why are they spending their time thinking of me and even more so, discuss me with others OR write about me in their “oh so honest” internet outlet.

This is what I was told. You must be doing something right, that they keep mentioning you. True. It might be my sparkling personality and fashion sense that sparks one’s true inner queen jealousy. It also can be my camera and editing prowess that keeps one bashing me to girls only long enough before asking for an on set um, well, ah, let me see, okay, wait, oooh, director to talent, um, yeah … business opportunity???

So I guess with that said … I am being a hypocrite here. Not really practicing what I preach. I did ask why do people spend their time on ones they don’t see eye to eye with. BUT now I am doing the same thing. WASTING my precious time, think … evaluated … discussing … typing … posting … about them. See people how your precious time get’s wasted on such petty high school, MTV style drama.

With that said these people can keep their MTV style drama while I keep my “MTV style shooting and editing.” in my life.

AGAIN I keep poking the sleeping bear. RAWR! I have a whole day of work to do and spread smiles and sunshine to my fellow man. As my brother Ricky D loves to do … DROP a GRENADE in a room (chat or otherwise) and run out LAUGHING.

I said my piece, I moved on thinking about this … until someone asks me the same question. “Why does _____ not like you?” I guess it’s simple … BECAUSE I AM DOING IT THE RIGHT WAY!

One quick note. When someone asks a particular porn chick many of us know, “why does Ivan not like you?” Apply above I guess but replace the answer with … “because I pursued him, lied to him, disrespected his family but I still ask favors through text by lying some more to him under false pretenses to gain new job or “friend” opportunities. And just can’t grasp the fact that the world is much larger then my immediate universe of want and need.”  Looks and book smarts don’t make you who you are … your consistency in treatment of others and life lessons round you out as a human being. This comes with age and experiences in helping you step back and evaluate yourself and life around you.

This has been a year coming … so my vent is complete. Only fueled recently by other’s actions. Take a clue from me please and delete my bookmarked blogs, tweeters and mostly my number. Because when this blog is done … I am grabbing my phone and doing the same.

This is as much as I will elaborate about my experiences, thoughts and feelings in these matters. I hope you enjoyed reading it. NOW if you are those folks, just nod your head in a mutual dismay, go to “block” or “delete” function on your phone and follow my lead … and DELETE

Have a happy Ivan free life.

Why I am the way I am … Thanksgiving edition

Last year I wrote one of these blogs … WHY I AM THE WAY I AM and tonight while up editing in pre-Thanksgiving AM, I have another one in me.  Some of my close friends have heard this story but I figure I should share it tonight.

A few years back we shot this young 19 year old for one of our movies.  In fact we shot her a few times.  By young I mean not necessarily her age but her maturity and worldly experience.  Just simply being away from home only to join the Adult Industry.  Her and I became friends as a few younger performers do.  I guess my vibe is mostly that I am caring older brother type who they trust to be treated like a “person” by.  We would talk once in a while or grab lunch … basically we vented to each other about our lives and our work environment.  She got my experiences and to me it was nice to see perspective of a younger side of view.

I remember this day vividly.  I call it my “Transformers” day. For days my friend confided in my about her money troubles, when I offered a loan she declined.  And was debating going back home.  I encouraged her to do just that if life wasn’t working out in Porn.  Now comes this one sad day.  Having another crazy run of back to back to back editing sessions, I planned on going to see Transformers.  Timing wise was interesting.  As I was leaving my office to go see the movie, I received a call from my friend.  She wanted to join me for the movie.  She seemed down and needed a friend.  On our drive to the theater she explained how she had 2 weeks to come up with rent and work was slow.  Then she dropped a bomb on me. A few days prior she met an older (40 year old) man on myspace.  She had dinner with him and nothing more.  Then a few days later when confiding in him, he promised to pay her rent in return for sexual favors.  She has never done that and was beyond turned off from the whole possibility. Her whole demeanor was of a lost child as she told me this story.  This “friend” of her’s set up the date for them that evening and kept calling as we drove.  She explained how she didn’t want to do it, to pick up his calls and not even go home to deal with it.

We watched the movie, we laughed, we jumped, we screamed … just had a great time as these giant robots turned our minds, especially her’s off the troubles outside the theater.

On the drive back to her house. Our conversation about the fun movie stopped as we turned left unto her block.  She quickly put her sun glasses on and sat there quietly. I could tell something was wrong.  Tears ran down her cheeks from underneath the shades.  I asked if she wanted to go home … she shook her head with a resounding NO.  I asked if she wanted to talk?  Again NO. So I drove past her house and gently asked what she would like to do.  And this is where her mind was, where her comfort level can be seen and simply just how much of an innocent soul she really was.  She simply said, “Can we get Ice Cream?”  My heart went out to her.  I bought her Ice Cream.  We sat quietly enjoying our frozen moment of peacefulness.  Then I drove her home.  Again explaining to her how she didn’t need to do anything she wasn’t comfortable doing.  She smiled, gave me a hug and thanked me for just being there. I said to her let’s go watch more movies.  Just in hopes she would take me up on it but she simply explained that she will go home and nap.

The next day I received a call from my young friend.  She went to this man’s house with another friend for support.  It didn’t work out as planned and she was still broke and now even sadder.  My gesture of loan again was declined. As well as another movie or dinner.  This person was new to the business as well as new to the harsh reality of our sometimes cruel world. After a few weeks my friend was gone with no forwarding number.  A few months later I received an email from her explaining how she just moved back home with her parents.  That email put a smile on my face as I knew she was back where she needed to be.

I haven’t heard from her since.  It’s been over a year or longer now.  And I am very thankful for her moving on with her life.  Sometimes not hearing from someone just simply means they have moved on.  Moved on not necessarily from me but from the life that wasn’t so pleasant to them.  When I remember these people I am thankful that they have moved on to exactly what they needed or away from the negative.  No matter how nice I am to them or how much of a friend I am to them,  I still represent that side of life they choose to forget or move on from.  No hard feelings, in fact the opposite.  For me to not hear from them sometimes it’s a great thing even though I miss them.

With Thanksgiving around the corner we all should be thankful for what or who we have in our lives or sometimes don’t.  And we should thank and treasure these people, these moments, these memories.  What or who makes you smile as you lay down to bed or wake up in the morning, is what matters.  I have a few close people in my life and many more I have met throughout the years.  I want to thank them for an opportunity of letting me into their lives as well as being there for me.

Thank you.

I am Ivan, I am Naive

Haven’t really slept or ate since probably really Saturday night.  Funny how with the bad some good comes out of it.  Eyes are more open and you at some point have a new lease on life and everything around you.  This weird process has put bags under my eyes, stress inside but I lost around 15 pounds. So i guess in that way it’s good.

Yes I am brutally honest in my blogs.  To a fault my friends say but I believe that with honesty you grow as a person.  I am not ashamed of what I am or what I do or what I write, so fuck it right?

I have to say though, that my simple profile change here or mood on the phone has really shown me that I do have an absorbent amount of people who care. That I think is why I write what I write, I shoot the way I shoot and why I treat people the way I do. If more people truly just stopped and just thought about what they were doing or how they were about to hurt someone, just maybe in their lives there can be peace within them.  Unless maybe they can give two shits and live in their own bubble.

Yesterday I got a message from a friend and ex-performer who gave me a very uplifting talk about me, her, what our friendship and trust really meant to her in trying to cope with porn’s and live’s challenges.  Her words is what inspires me not go and over react or change or flip out or mistreat others or simply be the majority in our business.  As I said in the previous blog … “I am Ivan, I am a Naive” oh well, I just choose to see good in others, trust them, be there for them and be myself.  If I get taken advantage of, lied to, hurt; I guess that just comes with the territory.

I am off to more editing then a fun time at an Angels game with my good friend Rog.

Trust, respect, courtesy, whatever …

I am sitting in my dark condo. wondering a few things.  How many people can genuinely say to themselves, I am trust worthy or I trust immediate people in my life?  Or am I courteous?  Should I be?  Does it matter?

To me those type of character traits define you.  And to be honest easily spotted. Recently it has been an overflow of crap bombarding my life. To be honest, from many directions. So I choose to stay home, edit and simply block it out.

My friend put it in these words that hit home.  As a director, artist and most importantly a person it should be other’s benefit to have me in their live’s, not the other way around.  I don’t cheat, beyond dedicated and loyal … so why should I have to sift through people in my life over and over again.  It might come off egotistical but it’s pretty accurate.  My goals are simple so are my dreams.  Fuck the fame and fortune.  As a child I always wanted to live on a farm with one cow; for milk.  I am an old ass child still with this simple goal.  With one difference, I want to open up filmmaking workshops for families, mostly for children.  Have weekly movie projects and monthly film festivals.  Can you just imagine the creative fun these kids can have?  That right there is life’s enjoyment to me … that and some bread and milk.  My choice of foods are beyond simple, so are my life’s plans.  Be happy with whomever, whenever, wherever, doing whatever; just smile when you fall asleep and eventually wake up.

I know it won’t change anytime soon, since this goal has been with me for years.  My porn career if not lucrative is rewarding in life lessons, for me and people I come in contact with.  Even today on a Twistys’ shoot, I get a nice reality check how hard work and reputation pays off in other’s eyes. And vice versa. To them those are simple words to be said, to me I take it in more then they can imagine.  So I sit in my dark condo. editing away, these thoughts come to my head and I have to share.

Lame yes but honest.

Some important feelings and words.

With these harsh times we are all going through major emotions.  I guess all we can do is be ourselves, work hard, strive for our goals and just stay positive. My belief has always been that true colors of a person are shown in the eye of the storm.  When all is well, we all seem to be perfect people.  But when issues arise, who can truly say that they or people around them still use the same positive morals?  At times like that we see one’s true colors, true character and morals.  Reputation is created from such acts, whether it’s good or bad … we all create in our minds opinions of each other.  This same character trait and reputation can bring you to the highest peeks or the bottom of any business.  Even though times have hit us amazingly hard, I have noticed a flow of positives in my life.

My family is closer then ever before as we have gathered all to help each other survive, someone has entered my life that just knowing they are there is enough to move forward and I have business people approaching me left and right for possible projects.

I truly believe my now six years in Porn have resulted in a reputation and body of work that would stand up to anyone’s. I am now shooting content for some of the top girls in the business, I direct for a prestigious company, my fan base has never been as big and industry people seem to respect my product, name, work ethic, professionalism, etc. even without truly knowing me.  To me being that person who rather help then hurt … doing quality over quantity … choosing professionalism over the other, has led to this.  As I spoke to a good director friend of mine about this, she was on the same page; expressing the same emotion with her words.  No matter what, no matter the bank account, no matter the number of girls under your belt … at the end of the day the product you shoot, the pride you take in it … it all comes a long way.

After six years my reel, my reputation, the professionalism and being positive in every aspect possible has resulted in the things I have mentioned prior.  These things are hard to accomplish by staying on the straight path, yeah it’s hard sometimes to turn the other cheek or sacrifice so much.  But I truly believe that these are the things that make us, resulting in opportunities we get or lose.

Here is a few words sent to me from a friend, I apologize for such long rant and blog.  Had a lot to express on this Sunday afternoon.


Things are to be used and people are to be loved, But the problem in today’s world is that, People are used and things are loved…

During the day, be careful to keep this thought in mind: Things are to be used, but People are to be loved …  Be yourself….This is the only day we HAVE. Have a nice day Watch your thoughts; they become words.  Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your DESTINY.

Important and emotional SPEECH

This morning I am up at 5:00am, withing 20 minutes I am on the road to work.  Life has been challenging as it has for probably everyone reading this. So I don’t feel I am special or more important then anyone or have bigger issues.  While some things are pulling me apart, there are definitely more impactful smiles created by a few close people.  So as I am driving re-evaluating so much in my life, at work, in my family, etc.  I put on talk radio to help my drive along.

And a perfect time like a shot out of cannon straight to my radio, my ear, to my mind; comes one of the most emotional speeches in it’s entirety.  The Jim Valvano speech from the ESPN Espy Awards in 1993.  This man was dying of cancer and gave this amazing speech that brings anyone through every emotional their body can handle.  I am now at my desk at 6:00am, still emotional as I listen to the speech one more time.  Please if you have a minute listen, no need to watch … just play it and go by your regular business.  It’s not a visual but an inspirational speech that will take you to three places Jim Valvano so eloquently describes everyone should go through on a daily basis.  Laugh, Think and Cry … all three he made me do with this wonderful speech just two months before passing away.

Here it is …