I have been addicted for a long time now. I think about it 7 days a week, when I’m at home all that crosses my mind is going back for more. Sometimes even watching my favorite sports or movies isn’t enough. At nights I lay there thinking about this over and over again. I now have someone in my life and at points it’s still hard to just let loose and forget about it. My friends since college have expressed concern, I have lost numerous relationships to this. But it’s something that drives me.
As an example, it’s almost 2:00am and I am still up and still doing it and still thinking about when I should take my 40 minute drive home. I rather stay up and keep going. Sometimes not even going home for days. Today I was told I should go home and do some laundry or just chill. I will, probably when I’m too tired to drive but still will. Using my ipod as a waking device.
No I am not addicted to any drug or alcohol or anything out of the ordinary … well maybe pasta is my vice, dang I don’t even drink coffee or smoke cigarettes or even eat a pot brownie. Most of my waking moments are spent thinking or working on my career, my movies, my websites and betterment of my and my loved ones future. Sometimes people can’t understand why I don’t get back to them for a day or two, it’s just an overwhelming feeling wanting to work and improve and the drive for improving my skills, movies or just as a person.
With everyday I feel that I fall behind in my goal, I take three steps forward and sometimes four back. Not out of mistakes but from lack of time and energy to get things done. At my waking moment the brain begins to swirl with bookings for movies (girls, guys, make-up, locations, pairings, budgets, equipment, camera techniques and more), our horror movies from the past and present, my new venture (BestPORNweekEver.com), “Girls with Cameras” galleries (18 girls behind schedule), my websites and promotion for Anabolic and myself. Everyday a little is chiseled away as the granite keeps growing.
Today for instance began at 6am and is concluding at around 2:30am, in that time I managed to book three scenes, replace a girl for another, shop and gather $800 worth of sex toys for the new 15 girl Girlgasmic 2, edit half of a new episode of Best Porn Week Ever, return a bunch of e-mails and plan a new marketing/pr strategy. Besides sitting through two go-sees and cutting some BTS. Long yet productive day. Satisfying.
I am addicted to this on a daily basis. Sometimes sitting around over thinking things, over evaluating things but all in hopes of improving. I even sit and watch dozens of mainstream trailers to get ideas for my porn trailers. Why settle? Keep watching and learning and improving. Last week on my nights off I wound up driving back to the office to work. Why? I wanted to, badly.
So maybe I don’t need help? Just a day off here or there. Because this addiction to me may kill me but at least my movies or websites or whatever else I am trying accomplish will be the best or at least the most taken care of that it could be.
It’s 2:15am, I’m going home. For now, some Kiss or Kool and the Gang on the ipod will be my companion on my drive back.
Tomorrow it’s back to that craving that doesn’t go away.
