Tag Archives: Too Personal

This is the section of the blog that gets a bit too personal but is what this blog has been about since 2003. Too Personal for it’s own good.

My emotional lesson

This morning I ventured into my old hood of the Fairfax District. Brooke Banner was doing a photo shoot for T.I.T.S. new clothing line.  I was a few minutes behind the schedule as this has been the usual m.o. for me.  Upon parking my truck, I quickly made my way to the parking meter.  While trying to navigate through the new credit card metering, an elderly lady approached me.  She looked European with a thick accent.  She had a rolling cart to her side and a sad confused looked.  Her English was choppy as her accent slurred the words to almost non-transcribable state. Nerves and frustration of her lack of communication seemed to way heavy on her as her voice quivered from word to word.

She was on the North 500’s block but needed to get to the South 500’s block. She kept mentioning these numbers as I tried to slow her down in hopes of understanding her better. I tried explaining to her how she needs to make her way to the Zero’s of the street then the numbers she needs will come. Then she explains in her now understandable accent, that she was looking for the “Russian Translation Service”. I smiled and asked if she spoke Russian, she said “yes”. And I proceeded to tell her that I can speak it as well. Her saddened demeanor now was lit up with a smile of comfort of “one of her own”.

I told her point of destination was about two miles away. She thanked me and asked me to call this agency. I confirmed the address and location. Then offered the lady a ride. She was adamant that I didn’t need to spend my time driving her. But I insisted in my broke Russian.

Now sitting in the truck, driving to the location. This wonderful little lady made my day, made me think and made me choke up. I was so moved by her that I had to put my sunglasses on just to communicate with her.

The lady is 80 years old. Has been in the United States for 15 years and has been fighting with the Russian Social Services for her retirement the entire time.  And has been told “America is a rich country, let them give you money.”  Sad, very sad. She lives in Long Beach and was out in West Hollywood, about 25 miles away from her area of residence. I met her around 10:40am, she was dropped off by her nephew in this area at 6:20am. And she has been wondering through these blocks for over four hours.  Mind you this story is being told to me by a tired, 80 year old, emotional lady. I was so moved by her. She then says, “god brought me to her today.” I smiled because at this point, me talking was not an option.  She kept thanking me and saying how no one would stop and listen to her. All I imagined this person with no phone or real ability to communicate wondering the streets for god knows how long. In the heat. With her cart and emotions on her sleeve.

I helped her 0ut of my truck and walked to the building. She offered to pay me, for which I declined. Once she was inside, I called that office to confirm she arrived and was safe. Afterward I made my way to continue the rest of my day. Driving I didn’t snap at people lacking social skills, I didn’t freak out on people being rude to me. All I thought about how this lady approached me. How she felt I made her day, how “god intervened”, how I helped her and emotionally changed her mood, heart and well being. But what she doesn’t realize is that what happened today was not someone making a difference in her life BUT how she made a difference in mine. I wasn’t brought to her, she was brought to me. I am not a knight in shining armor, she was the angel who opened my eyes.

It’s not what we can do for others because of our youthfulness, monetary accomplishments or what we control. It’s how we can open someone’s eyes, emotions and hearts. This wonderful lady in her moment of weakness made an impact with her soul in my life.

Thank you for validating the goodness hidden in so many ways under our busy, sometimes self absorbed lives. And you did pay me, in more ways then you can imagine.

DELETE my memory from YOUR BRAIN …

Finally IVAN haaaas coooome back to his BLOG. As many who have read this for years know, my blog is personal without holding punches. The one thing I do is not give free PR to those who don’t really deserve it. My feeling is this … anytime you mention someone by name you only give them kudos or keep their name in other people’s minds. So I guess I should say thank you to the few who seem to love me so much they can’t express their love eeerrr dismay enough.

For instance, it seems life must be boring to some, enough that they would spend reading my tweets and blog EVEN THOUGH they hate my talents and way of thinking. Is it hate though or possibly jealousy regarding those two issues?  Think about it, no matter how hard you try to be open minded, your drama queen personality keeps in tune with everyone’s life you hate. Spending time reading their blogs only enough to blast them and their friends. Or even better being a director who just can’t seem to hone his skills enough to shoot good content where every single ex-employer cringes at the mere mention of your content shot for them in the past.

With all that said, why spend the time on me in mentioning how I am so this and that. Why do I need to be on set working ONLY to hear someone say, “hey why does _______ not like you?”  Huh? What? The only time I think of these folks is when I get that question. So I wonder why are they spending their time thinking of me and even more so, discuss me with others OR write about me in their “oh so honest” internet outlet.

This is what I was told. You must be doing something right, that they keep mentioning you. True. It might be my sparkling personality and fashion sense that sparks one’s true inner queen jealousy. It also can be my camera and editing prowess that keeps one bashing me to girls only long enough before asking for an on set um, well, ah, let me see, okay, wait, oooh, director to talent, um, yeah … business opportunity???

So I guess with that said … I am being a hypocrite here. Not really practicing what I preach. I did ask why do people spend their time on ones they don’t see eye to eye with. BUT now I am doing the same thing. WASTING my precious time, think … evaluated … discussing … typing … posting … about them. See people how your precious time get’s wasted on such petty high school, MTV style drama.

With that said these people can keep their MTV style drama while I keep my “MTV style shooting and editing.” in my life.

AGAIN I keep poking the sleeping bear. RAWR! I have a whole day of work to do and spread smiles and sunshine to my fellow man. As my brother Ricky D loves to do … DROP a GRENADE in a room (chat or otherwise) and run out LAUGHING.

I said my piece, I moved on thinking about this … until someone asks me the same question. “Why does _____ not like you?” I guess it’s simple … BECAUSE I AM DOING IT THE RIGHT WAY!

One quick note. When someone asks a particular porn chick many of us know, “why does Ivan not like you?” Apply above I guess but replace the answer with … “because I pursued him, lied to him, disrespected his family but I still ask favors through text by lying some more to him under false pretenses to gain new job or “friend” opportunities. And just can’t grasp the fact that the world is much larger then my immediate universe of want and need.”  Looks and book smarts don’t make you who you are … your consistency in treatment of others and life lessons round you out as a human being. This comes with age and experiences in helping you step back and evaluate yourself and life around you.

This has been a year coming … so my vent is complete. Only fueled recently by other’s actions. Take a clue from me please and delete my bookmarked blogs, tweeters and mostly my number. Because when this blog is done … I am grabbing my phone and doing the same.

This is as much as I will elaborate about my experiences, thoughts and feelings in these matters. I hope you enjoyed reading it. NOW if you are those folks, just nod your head in a mutual dismay, go to “block” or “delete” function on your phone and follow my lead … and DELETE

Have a happy Ivan free life.

Trust, respect, courtesy, whatever …

I am sitting in my dark condo. wondering a few things.  How many people can genuinely say to themselves, I am trust worthy or I trust immediate people in my life?  Or am I courteous?  Should I be?  Does it matter?

To me those type of character traits define you.  And to be honest easily spotted. Recently it has been an overflow of crap bombarding my life. To be honest, from many directions. So I choose to stay home, edit and simply block it out.

My friend put it in these words that hit home.  As a director, artist and most importantly a person it should be other’s benefit to have me in their live’s, not the other way around.  I don’t cheat, beyond dedicated and loyal … so why should I have to sift through people in my life over and over again.  It might come off egotistical but it’s pretty accurate.  My goals are simple so are my dreams.  Fuck the fame and fortune.  As a child I always wanted to live on a farm with one cow; for milk.  I am an old ass child still with this simple goal.  With one difference, I want to open up filmmaking workshops for families, mostly for children.  Have weekly movie projects and monthly film festivals.  Can you just imagine the creative fun these kids can have?  That right there is life’s enjoyment to me … that and some bread and milk.  My choice of foods are beyond simple, so are my life’s plans.  Be happy with whomever, whenever, wherever, doing whatever; just smile when you fall asleep and eventually wake up.

I know it won’t change anytime soon, since this goal has been with me for years.  My porn career if not lucrative is rewarding in life lessons, for me and people I come in contact with.  Even today on a Twistys’ shoot, I get a nice reality check how hard work and reputation pays off in other’s eyes. And vice versa. To them those are simple words to be said, to me I take it in more then they can imagine.  So I sit in my dark condo. editing away, these thoughts come to my head and I have to share.

Lame yes but honest.

Some important feelings and words.

With these harsh times we are all going through major emotions.  I guess all we can do is be ourselves, work hard, strive for our goals and just stay positive. My belief has always been that true colors of a person are shown in the eye of the storm.  When all is well, we all seem to be perfect people.  But when issues arise, who can truly say that they or people around them still use the same positive morals?  At times like that we see one’s true colors, true character and morals.  Reputation is created from such acts, whether it’s good or bad … we all create in our minds opinions of each other.  This same character trait and reputation can bring you to the highest peeks or the bottom of any business.  Even though times have hit us amazingly hard, I have noticed a flow of positives in my life.

My family is closer then ever before as we have gathered all to help each other survive, someone has entered my life that just knowing they are there is enough to move forward and I have business people approaching me left and right for possible projects.

I truly believe my now six years in Porn have resulted in a reputation and body of work that would stand up to anyone’s. I am now shooting content for some of the top girls in the business, I direct for a prestigious company, my fan base has never been as big and industry people seem to respect my product, name, work ethic, professionalism, etc. even without truly knowing me.  To me being that person who rather help then hurt … doing quality over quantity … choosing professionalism over the other, has led to this.  As I spoke to a good director friend of mine about this, she was on the same page; expressing the same emotion with her words.  No matter what, no matter the bank account, no matter the number of girls under your belt … at the end of the day the product you shoot, the pride you take in it … it all comes a long way.

After six years my reel, my reputation, the professionalism and being positive in every aspect possible has resulted in the things I have mentioned prior.  These things are hard to accomplish by staying on the straight path, yeah it’s hard sometimes to turn the other cheek or sacrifice so much.  But I truly believe that these are the things that make us, resulting in opportunities we get or lose.

Here is a few words sent to me from a friend, I apologize for such long rant and blog.  Had a lot to express on this Sunday afternoon.

———-

Things are to be used and people are to be loved, But the problem in today’s world is that, People are used and things are loved…

During the day, be careful to keep this thought in mind: Things are to be used, but People are to be loved …  Be yourself….This is the only day we HAVE. Have a nice day Watch your thoughts; they become words.  Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your DESTINY.

LONG over due … please READ up!?!

I haven’t written a blog in around two weeks.  I haven’t really responded to emails, texts, voice mails, etc. as well.  So here is a long winded … picture filled, story driven, video covered BLOG.  It’s long but informative.  Kind of.

MY LIFE:

So the past few weeks we (Anabolic) have been moving buildings.  This resulted in me having no internet for a while, hence the lack of web presence on my part.  I also got a new phone but the old numbers didn’t transfer.  So incoming texts were replied with, “sorry, who dis?” Then came the lack of production, lack of funds and lack of many other things.  So yeah depression, frustration, etc. set in. Also now I am not given a key to my new office … meaning … I can’t edit at nights or on my time, I can’t be in my comfort zone, I can’t leave my supplies and fun things locked in my office … MEANING … most of my time will be spent at home working or if I get my own rented office, I will be there.  So for the 24/7 Webcam, I will do it from my home … in translation, when not editing, you peeps will see my fat cats chasing each other.

With all this going on, I also have notices a change in people.  I believe paranoia comes from guilt. If one is paranoid over whatever issues, in my opinion their guilt is the result of this feeling.  Whatever you do unto others, you feel might be done on you.  IE, you are cheater, so your paranoia makes you think others cheat on you.  So paranoid people have been removed from my life.  Also people’s true colors are shown in the hard of times.  When all is well, we all are good to each other.  But once shit hits the fan, let’s see how many still treat you as before.  During these harsh times, I have experienced people’s true nature.   Again, limiting my associations with those folks.

Now for some positives.  My little niece no matter her screaming or crying over my favorite shows, still is the cutest thing I have ever seen.  Being in a LA more often now, this gives me an opportunity to hang with the little precious.  Also I have someone in my life that with a simple text lightens up my mood.  Another positive and reason why I stay the way I am while surrounded by sometimes the worst of worst.  Now I have three females to spoil in my life.

WORK:

As I stated previously work at Anabolic is slow.  I am in the middle of the best cast I have ever shot, yet production is at a stand still.  I have been doing camera work for Twistys.com though, which is a nice change of pace.  We get to shoot hot girls and get paid.  Very rewarding and fun.  PLUS with my director/editor reel I have managed to secure some of the hottest girls as their official website camera guy.  Here is my plan, I have my portable DVD player that is constantly charged with my reel inside.  With every meeting or shoot, the girlies see and the girlies like it … my reel that is.  The last few weeks/months I have been shooting and editing for the top chicas out there as well as building a core of pornchick fans of my work.  Can you imagine working daily with Jayden Jaymes, London Keyes, Mason Moore and Shyla Stylez?!  No shit, that’s my life.  Right now.  Not just working with them … working with them naked!

MasonMooreXXX.com shoots

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Shyla Stylez Party shoot

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JaydenJaymesXXX.com shoot

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FINALLY:

I just saw that I have 4 award nominations for the Urban X Awards coming up at the end of the month.  This means I will be attending the event with a date and a entourage hopefully.  And if I win (which I doubt because I am not Urban) I will make a special type of acceptance that I will be working on until then.  Also I need to make flavor flav jealous of my out fit, so yeah it’s going to be fun.  Here is the blog from last year’s event. 2008 URBAN SPICE AWARDS

and MORE:

Here is a picture for some bad ass Military dudes fighting for us overseas.  I am putting a nice care package for them and anyone interested in helping out please contact me.  I want to thank Jayden Jaymes for helping out in a big way.

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MASON MOORE video!!!