TEXAS' ASSHOLE MASSACRE Review
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The movie kicks off in a great fashion with Kami (billed as Salome here) doing a bit of a commercial for her company - HOS (Hollywood Official Starlet)! Seems her company takes in "porn sluts" and turns them into real starlets. This was great, Kami played it well and the accent was funny too!

After that we see Kat and Gia in a car as Alias drives to Kami's place (the agency). Along the way Kat explains how she got into directing and Gia talks of her aspirations to be a real "actress". Anyway, then eventually wind up at the place and Kat heads on inside as Gia stays back... As Kat wonders around inside, she eventually winds up finding Kris playing the banjo - LMAO! They converse and he reveals he's a "real" director, then offers her a change to be in one of his movies! He takes her camera and has her show off her body, as it requires nudity of course, then soon the scene develops.

Scene 1: Kat and Kris Slater
Themes: Straight, Anal, Cum Swallowing
Scene Rating: 6.5/10

Scene Breakdown: Kat is a cute girl with short brown hair and natural A cup tits. After getting Kris out of his over-alls, she begins blowing him for a bit and then we cut to him fucking her missionary. Rolling up into doggy the action continues while we get some nice shots, and soon afterwards Kris slips his dick into her ass to get the anal going; again some nice shots. Cutting away we watch Kat a she rides in cowgirl and in reverse cowgirl, taking anal in both positions before she gets off and takes an open mouth facial that she swallows down to end the sex. This was an OK scene, it just felt lacking over all, on the performers end.
Kris rushes off and makes a "phone call", and at which point we then We then see Gia getting caught sucking the driver's dick. Kami drags her inside, chastising her along the way about how unprofessional that sort of stuff is! Once inside Kami wonders off and Gia finding some interesting photos of Kami and baby, then finally see who Kris was calling - Dirty Harry, one fucked up Vietnam Vet! He creeps around, trying to find who in the hell ate his chili! After some recon he finds Isabel licking her fingers with a bit of delight. She tries to explain but it doesn't quite work... Seems the war in 'Nam fucked Harry up a bit and he's convinced she's a "Gook" here to kill him! The dialog between the two is pretty damn funny, although it was a bit racist. Well Harry finally decides on a punishment for Isabel, dunking his cock in some chili and forcing her to eat it...

Scene 2: Isabel Ice and Dirty Harry
Themes: Rough Sex, Straight, Anal, ATM, Ass Gaping, Cum Swallowing
Scene Rating: 8/10

Scene Breakdown: Isabel is a sexy looking girl with medium length brown hair and natural C cup tits. After she gets the food of his dick, Harry fucks her mouth for a little bit, spitting in her face has he does. Harry then makes her sit down and he sees her clit piercing and his delusions continues, insisting she's hidden razor blades in her pussy! Both of them do some checking, ensuring she's "clean", then she stands up and he fucks her in standing doggy while we get some OK shots. Again the delusions prevail and Harry has to check her mouth for acid before he fucks her ass in reverse cowgirl. Up to this point there's a bit of funny banter back and forth about her being a "Gook" and all, then all of a sudden the two get into the action. Un-mounting, Isabel does some ATM action and then we cut to her in doggy where the anal action continues before we cut to her in spoon, taking more anal. Finally the scene winds down as Isabel gets her asshole fucked and gaped in a pile driver, along with also doing some ATM action, then takes an open mouth facial which she swallows down. This was a good scene, both Isabel and Harry play this scene to a T! The sex was pretty hot and the interaction was fuckin' hilarious!

After cumming, Harry breaks down and begins crying as he realizes she's NOT what he thought she was, then we catch back up with Kami who's cooking up a fresh batch of chili! As she cooks she bitches about being the only one who does anything and about being the only "pro" in the company, and all the while Alias is tied up at the kitchen table and listening to her go off. She goes a bit further, telling him how fucked up it is for him to be having the HOS suck his dick, especially when she needs love too!

Scene 3: Kami Andrews and Alias
Themes: Toys, Deep Throat, Tit Fucking, Anal, Ass Gaping, ATM, Cum Swallowing
Scene Rating: 7.5/10

Scene Breakdown: Kami is a good-looking girl with long black hair and fake D cup tits. Hopping up on the counter she starts playing with her pussy and then finds a toy to try to appease her pussy. it doesn't work out so well so she tells him, "You can take care of me for a change" and then heads over to him. She shoves her tits in his face and then unties him so she can properly suck and deep throat his cock, doing some nice no-hands action and tit fucking as she does. Standing up, she bends over the table so he can fuck her, but he wastes no time with her pussy and heads right for her ass. We get some pretty nice shots of the action, as well as some gapes and ATM action, then Alias takes a seat so she can continue to take the dick up her ass in reverse cowgirl. Again we get some nice shots, gapes and ATM, then we eventually cut to Kami lying on the table in missionary, still taking it up the butt, however her we get some of the best shot of the action in the scene! Moving on there was some pile driver anal, and then some more standing doggy anal before Alias was ready to cum, doing so in a bowl of chili.... Quickly she grabs a spoon and devours the cum glazed chili. This was a pretty solid scene, nothing great from Kami or Alias, but solid none the less. Kami's comments throughout the scene were pretty damn funny though.

At that point we catch up with a new HOS, Kelly. She finds a room full of camera equipment and lighting, then after a bit of snooping around she finds a cook book - THE cook book for the chili! Being a bit dumbfounded she knocks over a camera, which alerts Sascha. He comes in telling her that was his favorite camera, but as to not let him know what she's found, she swoops down to his crotch....

Scene 4: Kelly Wells and Sascha
Themes: Deep throat, Anal, Ass Gaping, ATM, Choking
Scene Rating: 8/10
Scene Breakdown: Kelly is an attractive girl with medium length blonde hair and natural B cup tits. After pulling his cock out she sucks and deep throat it, then moving things on we cut to him pushing it into her ass, quickly giving us some gapes while we get some nice shots. Sitting up she does some ATM action and then we cut to her up in reverse cowgirl anal, choking herself as she rides, and again we get some more gaping action. Cutting away, the next position that's hit is missionary where she continues the anal and gaping, which were the best ones of the scene in my opinion, and Sascha adds some choking to the mix as well, then on to cowgirl anal. Finally we end up with some pile driver anal action before finishing up the scene back in doggy, taking it up the ass of course, and finally taking an open mouth facial that she gargles and pushes out onto her tits. This was a good scene, nice energy from both. The gapes here were really nice.

Sascha heads off and then shadows ensue as something goes down before we catch up to out lead-character, Kami, as she chastises and cleans up "baby". This was some pretty funny dialog here form Kami, then we see Gia sleeping as Kami wakes her up in a rather abrupt manner! She tells Gia she's going to teach her to use more than her ass to make a living, then she takes her over to Sascha who lying on a bed.

Scene 5: Kami Andrews, Gia Paloma and Sascha
Themes: Deep Throat, Straight, F to F Rimming, Girl/Girl, Pussy Gaping, Ass Gaping, F to M Rimming, ATOGM, Cum Swapping
Scene Rating: 8/10

Scene Breakdown: Gia is a sexy looking girl with medium length blonde hair and natural C cup tits. Kami starts off forcing Gia to suck Sascha’s cock, then Gia tries to ride him in reverse cowgirl, but she just can't get over Sascha's size! So getting on Kami hops up and shows her how to do, riding him in cowgirl while Gia sits on his face. Gia feels she understands how to do it so she slides down and takes her turn riding in cowgirl too with Kami licking her asshole as she rides, then we cut to Kami taking another ride, but this time in reverse cowgirl with Gia doing the PTOGM action. Sascha moves back over to Gia, fucking her on her side/back while Kami sits on her face. We get some pussy gapes from Gia and then we cut to Kami in doggy, basically teasing Gia, taking Sascha up her ass. She shows us some nice gapes and Gia also adds her 2 cents, licking Sascha’s ass, licking Kami's gaping asshole and doing the ATOGM action. Kami then moves down into a pile driver where Gia rims her some more before Sascha comes in to fucks her ass, and soon the scene comes to a close as he cums in Gia's mouth. Kami gets a few stragglers, but Gia is a caring HOS, and swaps the cum over to Kami who pushes it out of her mouth. This was a good scene, it was funny to watch Gia act as she did here - LOL, Gia Paloma not being able to take a cock; ya right!! Honestly I don't know if there would have been a better performer cast here for Gia's part. Now for the ending of the movie, well it's a dead give away as if you have seen the trailer (here), you know the end of the movie. However I would like to know who was driving that car... .

Themes: Straight Sex, Anal, Cum Swallowing, Rough Sex, Ass Gaping, ATM, Toys, Deep Throat, Tit Fucking, Choking, Cum Swapping, Girl/Girl, Rimming (F to F), Rimming (F to M), ATOGM, Pussy Gaping

DVD Extras: The extras here were really good, there was only 26 minutes of behind the scene, but damn they were funny and a good insight of what went on during the movie. There were a few minutes of photos in the BTS footage, but with the FF button you can get past them. In addition to the BTS, there were some trailers, a real photo gallery and a cumshot recap. Easy score for the extras here, +.50.

Final Rating and Thoughts: This one gets an 8.10. I wasn't quite sure to expect from this as I have never seen Ivan's work, and the fact it was taking the name of one of my favorite horror movies of all time, and twisting it a little I was an idea I wasn't sure I was comfortable with. Well I was pleasantly surprised with this one. Not only was the sex pretty good, but the flick itself was damn funny and entertaining. I honestly don't think ANYONE could have filled Kami's spot like she did here. Lots of dialog, saying lots of funny shit with a straight face, and adding a few good fucks to the flick for good measure helped too . Now speaking of funny, Isabel's scene literally put me in tears! the interaction between these two was GREAT! I think a lot of Isabel and I like Dirty Harry, both as a performer and as an actor, and these two did an absolute wonderful job playing their roles in their scene. Now I read some other reviews on this title and I just didn't see the goodness in the Kat scene, in fact I thought it was the weakest on the bunch, it just came off as a bit stale to me. Although this loosely qualifies as a feature, this is still a flick that rain-coaters/Gonzo lovers will enjoy as there's lots of hardcore, in-your-face sex. If you're a fan of the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", check out "Texas' Asshole Massacre", it's a great parody and worth the cash. Hell it's worth a rental at the very minimum. Good work Ivan, I look forward to "Dawn of The Head"!